I found my breaking point today. I didn’t exactly go looking for it, it just kind of snuck up on me. I was just thinking about this lovely Irish Delay (as I’ve now knicknamed it) and how it wouldn’t even have affected us if only we’d gotten Zeeb’s approval last week… but now because his dossier approval is slow in coming, we are delayed and I don’t even know for how long.

I really thought we were in the home stretch. I thought I had the range of when we’d travel nailed down to a general 3 week range in June-July and that we’d be home, with Zeeb, by the end of July. Silly, silly me. Why do I never learn that I have zero control and making plans only causes everything to go kerflooie?

I’m tired. I want to be done with this long adoption process now. I want to have our son home and I want to have a normal life that is not controlled by the whims of a large impersonal beaurocracy.

My oldest daughter is supposed to go to camp for a week in early August. I don’t want to be in Vietnam when she is at camp. Last year she fell off a horse and had to go to a medical clinic when she was at camp. I need to be here, just in case. My in-laws have booked a week to come out in August - and if we’re in Vietnam, they’ll just vacation elsewhere, and we’ll miss out on a visit with them. My sister-in-law plans to come out in August too, to see everyone and meet Zeeb. It gives me a stress headache to think how messed up everything gets if our travel spills over into August.

So I had a breakdown, complete with sobbing and yelling at the world and God too. Thankfully, he’s okay with my angry outbursts and loves me anyway. B~ was a little freaked out though.

After that, we headed to the mall for some shopping therapy. I know it’s twisted and probably says something really negative about me but going to a mall really does make me feel better. I don’t know if it’s just a good distraction or if I actually get some kind of rush from shopping. In any case, we needed to get some things done so it wasn’t a totally wasteful exercise. The big purchase of the day was a new king size bed. Or more specifically, king size mattresses and the little bed-frame thingy. We’ve been needing a new mattress for a long time now and I finally convinced B~ to make the leap and go for a king size bed. This should make co-sleeping with Zeeb much more feasible, so long as he’s amiable to the idea, of course. So see, even on my most down day I still take a step of faith that he will come home, eventually. That ought to be worth something.

Oh and a little advice to everyone out there who knows someone in the middle of an adoption: Please do not tell them they need to just accept that everything is out of their control and it will all happen in good time. While this sounds like wonderful advice, it actually chaffes quite badly when one is in the middle of this long and difficult wait. Instead, might I suggest you tell your friend or loved one that you are sorry that the wait is so hard and you are there if they need to vent, and you will be praying for their child to come home very soon.

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PS : I also want to acknowledge this important holiday by saying Thank You to the men and women who have sacrificed their lives in service to our country and to all those serving in Iraq and Afghanistan today. I am humbled and awed by your service. Freedom is not free. Thank you for paying the price to protect me and my family.