A Work in Progress

A commenter the other day asked “what has worked” in regards to cutting tantrums short and you all know I love to use questions as blog topics… so I’m using that as a starting off point to talk about what has worked, in general, with Zeeb.

First of all, I want to say that almost all of the credit for Zeeb’s attachment and generally smooth transition has to go to his foster family. He was with them from about 9 months old until he joined us three months ago, at about 3 and half years old. They loved him and treated him as their own and he flourished in their care. I really don’t think I can take credit for being some attachment genius – every “expert” I spoke with prior to bringing Zeeb home said we’d have a much easier time with attachment because he’d been in a good foster home rather than an orphanage. (Not to say institutionalized kids can’t attach, but I do think it’s a little more challenging especially if the child has not had good consistent caregivers.) Anyway, before I started bragging about all my great parenting I wanted to give that very big caveat.

Now, about the tantrums… when we were in Vietnam, Zeeb would have these angry fits or sometimes just plain old meltdowns and there wasn’t a lot we could do about them. He didn’t have a clue what we were saying and he didn’t really care if he made us happy. Another family with our agency that we had dinner with in Vietnam mentioned to us that they were doing time-outs with their new son and were already seeing good results. So, we started trying that with Zeeb. Although technically you’d call them “time-ins” I think, because we actually held him in a chair and said “Time Out” over and over for a minute or two. Then we’d pick him up and calm him down and everything would be fine. Well, after a couple of days, when Zeeb started to disobey or throw a fit, all we had to do was say “Time out?” and 9 times out of 10 he’d immediately stop. (Although the threat worked much better at the hotel than when we were out and the little smarty-pants knew we couldn’t really give him a decent Time Out). So, fast forward to home and there’s less outside pressure, we all relax and of course bonding continues. Right there, we had less fits without even trying. But we continued using Time Outs (now we stand him facing the wall) when necessary. (generally at bedtime when he and R~ find creative ways to get in trouble and not go to sleep). So, that has taken care of most of the major behavior issues. When it comes to other kinds of tantrums or meltdowns (when he wants a toy or is frustrated) I can usually distract him just by tickling him or giving him another toy or grabbing a book and spending some quiet time reading to him. Tickling did not work at all in the first few weeks – he just wouldn’t relax that much with me. But now he loves to be tickled and has this really adorable smile and giggle that is just contagious.

Other hurdles we’ve overcome in the last three months…

Eating: Zeeb is generally willing to try whatever we put on his plate. Sometimes he’ll get it in his head he doesn’t like something and he’ll put his hand out in front of it and say “no” and shake his head. But often if I feed it to him he’ll decide he actually does like it. (Grapes – don’t know why he thought he wouldn’t like them, after one taste he was hooked!)

Sleeping: At first we had to lie down with Zeeb to get him to sleep. Otherwise he’d just cry and get all worked up. We slowly weaned him from this by sitting next to his bed and leaving just as he was about to fall asleep, leaving a little sooner every day. Now he does a short obligatory cry but then lies down quietly and goes to sleep on his own. (We planned to do the family bed thing for the first six months, but Zeeb is a very wild sleeper and has a very hard head. Which made for a very cranky momma. We are all happier in our own beds, thank you very much)

Potty Training: Zeeb came pre-trained but quickly regressed. After changing the sheets at the hotel once or twice we switched over to Pull-Ups. When we got home he started pooping in the pull-up. Not pretty. So I went into “training mode” and sat him on the potty a few times a day, read him books while he sat and rewarded each success with a few m-n-m’s. Within a few weeks, the problem was solved. He still wets his Pull-Up at night but generally stays dry during the days. I’m not in a huge hurry to get him into underwear, so we’re just fine with the current status quo.

The Stroller: In Vietnam and the first couple weeks we were home, Zeeb did not like the stroller. He’d throw a fit and want to be carried as soon as we put him in it. This turned out to be pretty easy to solve – now when he goes in the stroller we dump a handful of cheerios and craisins on the little tray and he’s happy as a clam. When the food runs out, I pull out the Leapster and he’s happy for at least another half hour. (The Leapster also works great when he’s in a cart at the grocery store or Target … the trick is to only pull it out on these rare occasions so that he’s not sick of the thing).

I feel like I’m forgetting something, but it’s getting late and those are the major issues anyway. Please don’t think I’m selling myself as some sort of expert on recently adopted 3 year olds or anything – this is just what worked for us.

One last thing… I love book recommendations, so here’s
Zeeb’s Current Top 5 Booklist:
Brown Bear Brown Bear
Caps for Sale
One Bear, One Dog (and a few other books with little faux mirrors in them)
Richard Scarry’s Cars and Trucks from A to Z
The Runaway Bunny (we point to the hidden “Zeeb Bunny” and “Mommy Bunny” in the illustrations)

And thus ends the Parenting Post. I must go, McDreamy calls…