Zeeb has been home for more than 10 months. Most of the time, he feels like a natural part of the family. In many ways, it feels like he has been here forever. But I realized last week that we are still a work in progress… still forging that deep parent-child bond. I feel almost guilty admitting that. It feels like there is something wrong with me, that I know I don’t love him the way I loved my other three when they were his age. And honestly it’s not like something you can rate on a scale… like between 1-10 how much do I love my kid? It’s so intangible and also mixed up with the normal stresses of parenting a four year old.
Like last week, Zeeb was a lot more annoying and just plain difficult than he usually is. It was a wierd week, R~ had this slow start to 1st grade where she went in for only a brief time on Tuesday and Wednesday and we were running around a lot. So that probably got him a little out of wack. He was sort of wild and disobedient. And also he’s starting to lie a lot. In that way that four year olds lie, thinking that if they say it that makes it true. All in all, he wasn’t much fun to be around. And I found myself thinking, “I could really do without this kid today.” And then I felt awful. AW. FUL. Because who thinks that? And about the child I waited so long for? And just look at the boy, he is so cute, how can you even think something like that? But here’s the thing - I’ve totally had days/weeks/months/phases with my other kids where I did not like one or the other very much. They were especially rude or mean or generally annoying. So how is this any different? It’s hard to explain, but even when I didn’t like them, I knew I still loved them. And not in the generic “love one another” sense but in the “you are a part of me” sense. And I wasn’t feeling that with Zeeb this week. And that made me really sad.
But the good part is, the older three are in school full time now. Which means on Thursday and Friday it was just me and Zeeb. It hasn’t been just me and Zeeb since school got out in June. I think I really missed that. We grabbed a pile of books and just sat on the couch and cuddled - and no one interrupted us! And we found a little shiny green frog in the back yard and kicked a soccer ball around. It was fun.
In the afternoons I noticed that when R~ is around, Zeeb finds more mischief. Not that R~ always instigates, but Zeeb gets more creative when his big sister is around. And he tests me more, probably because R~ is always testing her boundries. So I’ve been using a lot more time-outs in the last few days. (ok, there has also been a bit of yelling. And it was more than a little embarrassing when R~ wrote a story at school on the first day and in the story, which was about losing a tooth, she wrote, “i yild [yelled] mom yild [yelled] at me Like AAAAAA” I swear, I don’t yell like that. But, there has been some yelling lately. I get stressed and the Italian Mama in me pops out.)
I’m bummed that we still have farther to go with our bonding. (Or at least I do. For all I know, Zeeb may be feeling totally bonded to me.) But I’m encouraged too, because honestly I was a little scared I might not be able to ever love Zeeb the way I love his siblings. But that was wrong. Love is not a static thing. It grows and changes all the time. And also, it takes effort. I can’t get lazy, I need to work at our relationship and carve out time for us to do things together. It won’t always be easy. But then, where on earth did I get the idea that adopting a 3 year old would be easy?
“Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage — it can be delightful.” ~George Bernard Shaw
September 10, 2007 at 4:12 am
maybe you just both had stressful weeks; sounds like you will have lots of time to work out all the bonding kinks now that everyone else is in school and its just the two of you. (i often find that i enjoy my kids much more when it’s just one on one. sad, because that doesn’t happen often.)
September 10, 2007 at 7:08 am
I think I know exactly how you feel.
What were we thinking when we thought this would be easy??? 
Gretchen
September 10, 2007 at 9:11 am
I love the way you are always so honest, even when it’s hard. Those of us just starting the bonding process find comfort empathizing with your struggles and adjusting our own expectations accordingly. Thanks!
September 10, 2007 at 9:58 am
your honesty gives me great hope- I definitely feel like, most days, that I do not like Hoss and Little Joe very much at all. I think I expect more from myself and from them than is fair to ask for, since we are only two months in. It hurts me when they will go up to complete strangers and put their arms out for a hug (and I do mean complete strangers- like, random people in the mall strangers), yet at the same time, I look at them and think (resentfully) “you two are not the kids I dreamed of, and you are messing up my life.” blech. makes me think I am not cut out for mother hood at all.
I will hang in there; as I know you will. thanks, as allways, for your help.
September 10, 2007 at 10:35 am
I love your honesty. Truth be told I think many adoptive parents struggle with their attachment, lol we spend all this time learning about a child’s attachment and I think we don’t often think about our attachment.
I know so many people who have struggled to attach to their newly adopted child, most of these second and/or subsequent adoptions. It’s something I am trying to think long and hard about, but I am encouraged by you. You are so right, love isn’t static - thank you!
September 10, 2007 at 10:37 am
This is pretty much my biggest fear about adopting. I so appreciate hearing your thoughts about it!
September 10, 2007 at 10:53 am
I think your honesty is such a wonderful thing for the adoption community. I am glad you and Zeeb are getting some one on one time.
September 10, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Thank you for being so honest. I can feel the exact same way most of the time. I found it so surprising that I didn’t automatically have “parent-child” feelings towards our daughter. She was/is so difficult that sometimes I don’t know if I will ever feel the same about her that I feel about my son. I wish that I would have known that those feelings don’t come right away like they do with a baby. I think that I wouldn’t have struggled with so much guilt for not “loving” her in the same way. I am thankful that I am not the only mother who feels like bonding to a four year old isn’t easy.
September 10, 2007 at 1:38 pm
You mean it hasn’t been easy????
ha!
I’ve been working on a “6 months” post today, and so many things you have written here have echoed what I’ve been feeling as I write. Thank you for your honesty. It’s so nice to know I am not alone in the frustration…and joy.
September 10, 2007 at 2:57 pm
This post brought tears to my eyes. So many things that I know and live with Khai, while I know(just like you do with Zeeb) that he is literally God’s gift to me, there are days and times, when I don’t know where he came from and he feels distant and disconnected, and he’s only 11 months!
September 10, 2007 at 3:51 pm
What a great post. I love your honesty and the depth at which you view your relationship with all your kids. It will come, 10 months seems like not such a long time compared to the rest of Zeeb’s life before you and the future you all have together. It will come.
And how could you yell at your little girl for losing a tooth? And not just a little yell but an AAAA yell. Awful. Hahaha - you know I’m kidding. kids are hilarious in how they retell their lives. Eventually you will think it is as funny as I do when I read it! haha
September 10, 2007 at 5:49 pm
I wanted to echo everyone else’s sentiments that I love your honesty. I think sometimes people expect automatic happy families to be created. Every relationship takes time and hard work to grow. You’re an awesome, sensitive, and thoughtful mama.
September 11, 2007 at 7:36 pm
It’ll be so good for you and Zeeb to get back into a routine together. I know I definitely feel less connected to my son when other people are around and I have to share him. Thanks for sharing and telling it like it is - sugar-coating doesn’t help anyone, but I think posts like these do.
September 12, 2007 at 11:26 pm
Thanks for your post. I love Pineapple, but it isn’t the same as it was with my boys. It feels like there is something missing and I didn’t expect that.
It could also be a 4th child syndrome. That is what my social worker said.
September 14, 2007 at 4:47 am
Reading your post made me realize a few things about the difference in my relationship between my bio child and adopted child. No doubt I love them both, but love develops over time and somehow, when the child is not newborn, is testing you, and is already aware of the emotions you are omitting, you feel pressure to be perfect from the start - to love deeply from the start. I wasn’t perfect with my bio son. I thought many days how much easier it would have been not to have children at all. But with my adopted child, I feel a sense of failing her when I have these thoughts.
One of the hardest parts for me is that I also have a live-in Au Pair (nanny) who went with us (and our bio child) to VN. She had only been with us a few months, so she had no history of attachment to our bio child. For her, the bond to one child is as strong as the bond to the other child. She senses my struggle some days, and it is frustrating to me because I can’t explain motherhood, attachment and bonding to a 21 year old girl. Who CAN explain it? You just have to go through it to understand. I feel so much more pressure knowing that she sees so much of our personal, vulnerable moments and doesn’t say a word - although I see the wheels turning in her head, particularly because, she’s madly in love with the little one - more so than our older child who missed his last Au Pair and rejected her initially. (I guess that is also an attachment issue in reverse. We’ve been working with her on that too).
When people ask, we always say that we have no attachment issues at all (because our little one is very attached to us) and no one much talks about the attachment issue belonging to the parent. Thanks for the honest - raw post. It almost gave me permission to acknowledge my own attachment challenges.
September 16, 2007 at 10:27 pm
I appreciate your honestly too and think that by taking more time to spend one-on-one with him you will continue strengthening that bond–but it does take time! I can honestly say that NOW I feel just as bonded and connected to my adopted kids as my bio kids but bonding WAS different. It took more time.
HOWEVER, for what it’s worth, my youngest is a bio child and has been our most challenging child and when he was a toddler I would tell people that I loved him but I didn’t always like him very much. I soon discovered that other mothers were horrified by that statement! We worked our way through some hard years, horrible allergies, challenging behavior, sensory difficulties etc. and the one thing that kept me going was what a speaker on special needs told me: God CHOSE me to be my son’s mother. On hard days, when I said, “I can’t do this anymore!” I quickly heard that little voice saying, “Yes you can, God CHOSE you to be his mother.” (Knowing that truth helped me though hard years and now I can say that I love my son AND I like my son!)
And God chose you, Mrs. Broccoli Guy to be Zeeb’s mother. You are doing a great job!