Expectations

I read a lot of blog posts every day. Once in a great while, a post hits me so deeply that it stays with me and rattles around in my mind long after I walk away from the computer. Paula O’s,Just What Are We Expecting? is one of those posts.

Where I read the recent story of a diplomat and his wife abandoning their 7 year old daughter and reacted by saying “That is so awful. How could anyone do such a thing?” Paula stepped back and said, “What is the mindset that leads to such a thing?” And in so doing she showed me that to some degree every adoptive parent places unfair expectations on their child — I know I did. Or rather, to be honest, I do.

Logically, I knew that bonding is a process, not an instant magical moment of falling in love at first sight. But still it bothered me to realize that my new son wanted nothing to do with me that very first day – and that even after a few weeks together I felt no more “attached” to him than I would to any random child in my care. And while rationally it seems obvious that the child you adopt will have habits and mannerisms already formed and established when they come into your life, it still took me by surprise when Zeeb did so many things that felt unfamiliar and even annoying to me. And don’t even get me started on what it was like parenting a three year old boy who spoke a completely different language – for months. I did the reading, I knew that a three year old would be speaking some Vietnamese. But I didn’t anticipate how much he was speaking (despite the progress reports that told me he spoke in sentences). And everyone told me that it was simply “amazing” how quickly a child switches to a new language – within days or weeks they said. Not my Zeeb. He did pick up some English early on, but he kept Vietnamese as his primary language for a good long time. And it made me mad. Oh in my mind I knew it made sense and I was even a little proud of my smart boy maintaining his Vietnamese without anyone around to converse with. But in my heart it drove me nuts and hurt my feelings too. And logically I know that there is nothing magical about the 1 year mark. But if I’m honest I have to admit I expected that by a year Zeeb would be fully bonded to us and adjusted to life here. More than that – I expected him to “fit in.” I expected him to put aside his first three years of life – all that shaped him and formed his personality – and become someone new. Lately I’ve realized I even expected more than that – more than putting aside all the nurturing influences of his first three years. I expected him to put aside his very nature to become the son of my dreams. The reality is, Zeeb’s temperment is different than mine. Which really isn’t an earth-shattering realization, but it does require me to adjust my expectations.

And there’s the parental rub – we are constantly needing to adjust our expectations. Not just with adopted children – certainly K~ and A~ do not always act the way I hope or expect them to. But there’s another layer with adoption – the months or years of built up hopes and dreams on the part of the parents, and the inherent nature of the child combined with months or years of life experiences that they bring with them into their new family.

Somehow I think I’m making “adjusting expectations” sound like a bad thing. But let’s face it, relationships are all about adjusting expectations. And love is all about accepting someone for who they are, not who we wish they were.

While all of this was percolating in my mind, a friend sent me a link to this article in Newsweek. Titled, “When Adoption Goes Wrong” it is a heartbreaking account of parental abuse and situations where children have severe attachment or behavioral issues that the parents were altogether unprepared for. In other words, it’s a look at extreme cases of unmet expectations. I appreciated that the article made one thing very clear:

Why do some adoptions go so wrong? Clearly, it’s not the kids’ fault.

Also, the reporter points out that most adoption agencies do a very poor job of preparing adoptive parents for the possibility that their child may have underlying issues.

“Very few agencies are training parents to deal with brain damage, sensory deprivation, aggression,” Purvis says. “A lot of these parents are smitten with the hope that they’ll make a difference in a child’s life, but they need very practical tools. I consider myself very pro-adoption. But I’m also very pro informed adoption. “

I agree with the points in the article, but I would take it even farther and say that agencies need to do a better job of setting expectations in general. Even a very “healthy” child comes to adoption as their own person with their own traits and temperment and mannerisms. But maybe it will take more than classes or recommended readings. Maybe we need to appeal to the emotions more than the mind.

I remember when I gave birth to my first child, I put all these expectations on myself – and on her. I expected to lose the pregnancy weight immediately and to intuitively know how to parent my daughter. And I expected her to eat and sleep on a schedule. Logically, not very realistic expectations. But I formed them from hearing stories about other women who quickly went back into their size 5 jeans and had their babies sleeping through the night in a matter of weeks. I don’t remember anyone saying to me “You’ll be tired and overwhelmed and the baby will defy all the great advice you read in parenting books.” I wish they had.  (Mind you, my daughter was born before the “Girlfriend’s Guide” books, so maybe pregnant moms hear that now?) I think we as humans, or as a society or whatever, have a really bad habit of putting unrealistic expectations on others and on ourselves. We should knock that off.  For starters, we could try being a little more honest with each other.  We are imperfect people, and there is encouragement in knowing that others are imperfect too. 

So I guess that’s what this post is about – putting myself out there and saying, “I’m imperfect.  I had unrealistic expectations of my child.  Adoption is not all sunshine and roses.  Sometimes it’s hard.”  But while I’m being honest I have to also say, “I wouldn’t trade my son for anything.  He is not who I expected him to be, but he is exactly who he is supposed to be.  Being his mom is not always easy, but it’s always a blessing.”