As one adoptive parent to another, I’m concerned. And frankly, rather angry. What on earth posessed you to portray your teenage daughter as just another example of Cindy’s international charity work? Do you truly believe that? Do you not see what a gift and miracle she is to your family? Did it not occur to you how she must feel when you talk about her that way, knowing the cameras will zoom in on her as though she is some kind of poster child for your good works? I was literally ill at the number of times I heard the word “rescue” used in reference to your child.
Here’s the thing: once upon a time, that may have been an acceptable way to talk about adoption. But this is the 21st century and we are no longer so ignorant.
Cindy’s work in SE Asia and around the world visiting the poor and sick and helping to deliver aid and vaccines is truly laudable; but adoption is not (and should never be) an act of charity. I believe that Cindy decided to adopt your daughter because she fell in love with her – clearly there was a special bond between them that made that one child different from all the others that Cindy met. And John, you must have seen something special in that baby, to immediately accept her into your heart and home. If you must talk about her adoption, why not talk about that? Have you ever sat down with your daughter and asked her how she feels about being treated differently than the rest of your children? You might be surprised at what she has to say. But then, maybe after hearing the story told that way her whole life she doesn’t know it could (should) be any other way.
John, you say you want to bring your own “maverick” brand of change to DC and I believe you. I also believe that change has to start at home. It’s not too late to change the “narrative” of your daughter’s life. A lot of public damage was done last night at the convention, but there are still many more speeches to go before the election. More importantly, you still have your daughter at home with you and you still have time to apologize to her and start over.
If you don’t understand what I’m talking about or you don’t know where to start, here are just a few books on the subject that might help:
Beyond Good Intentions: A Mother Reflects On Raising Internationally Adopted Children by Cheri Register
Outsiders Within: Writing on Transracial Adoption
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents by Deborah Gray
John and Cindy, as a fellow adoptive parent and a supporter, I hope you will accept this advice in the spirit it was intended. Surely you know the power of your every word. What you say can have great influence and make a lasting impression – on our country and more importantly on your daughter.
September 5, 2008 at 6:18 am |
Thank you. I was appalled. Of course, I’m appalled by the whole thing. Definitely has this mom more fired up than any election since the 70s!
September 5, 2008 at 6:20 am |
phew-
I just read Laura’s take on it too….
September 5, 2008 at 7:39 am |
What on earth posessed you to portray your teenage daughter as just another example of Cindy’s international charity work?
Well said.
I think you should send it to them! My thoughts are with their daughter.
September 5, 2008 at 7:41 am |
Shannon – I actually did. Well, I sent it to the “contact us” form on McCain’s website. Here’s hoping they actually receive it…
September 5, 2008 at 7:42 am |
Awww, this post actually made me cry a little. Sniff. That poor girl. I, too, hope they change their “narrative” within their own home toward their still teenaged daughter.
September 5, 2008 at 7:57 am |
Wow. I didn’t watch any speeches last night, so I had no idea any of this went down. And think of all the millions of people who watched this and took it all in. Makes my heart hurt.
September 5, 2008 at 8:00 am |
Well, twin… Once again, you’ve summed up my thoughts exactly. I felt ill too for their daughter’s sake. Yuck. As I was reading this post I was thinking, “Oh, if only the McCains really could read this…” I’m so glad to see you did send it. I hope they will read it and give it some serious thought.
September 5, 2008 at 8:09 am |
Thanks for posting, Christine. And thanks for letting people reply without blocking them. That takes real courage.
September 5, 2008 at 9:36 am |
I was thinking the same thing last night! It sounded like Cindy walked off the plane with a puppy they decided to keep.
I pray they do get your letter because they portayed their daughter as such an outsider, and I don’t think that’s probably how they treat her at home (God, let’s hope not.)
September 5, 2008 at 9:45 am |
Thanks for posting this and taking the time to send it to the McCain family.
September 5, 2008 at 11:46 am |
Well said. I completely agree. Now if only they would listen…
September 5, 2008 at 11:53 am |
I actually blogged about the same issue but I don’t think I was nearly as articulate as you.
Excellent!
P.S. I am debating changing my name to Adopted Dan
September 5, 2008 at 12:15 pm |
Oh, please.
September 5, 2008 at 1:25 pm |
Nice! Glad you found it repulsive and blog-worthy as well. And I love that you offered them a way out, saying it’s not too late to re-frame their daughter’s narrative. I was pretty surprised by some of the comments on my blog, but you and I definitely see eye to eye on this topic. And those were great book references to give people as well!
September 5, 2008 at 1:33 pm |
I read Laura’s take on it and, honestly, I agreed with her. I think we as adoptive parents are too sensitive at times, and I just didn’t see that this was that big of a deal.
September 5, 2008 at 3:28 pm |
Well said. The McCains are not thinking of their daughter’s self esteem and self worth. They are consumed with how they appear without thinking about their daughter. Sad.
September 5, 2008 at 5:55 pm |
I came to your blog linked from Michelle’s, so I know that you do not know me and I don’t really know any of you that have commented, but I just wanted to say that while I can see the point most of you are making, as an adopted child myself, I did not even recognize this when watching.
From a different perspective, I can’t say exactly how I would feel since I am obviously not in the exact same position. However, I have a difficult story as far as my biological family goes and I DO see it as my adoptive parents in a sense “rescued” me from a very real possibility of abuse.
Perhaps the McCain’s daughter feels the same way and didn’t feel offended by the way her story was portrayed. Perhaps she was given input… perhaps not. I’m just suggesting that we don’t really know for sure and every adoptee owns their own story and feelings about it.
I agree that sometimes it seems adoptive parents are overly sensitive about the topic, and with my own son, I do not want to approach his adoption in such a way that he thinks it is something that should not even be talked about because we are SO focused on trying to help him feel like he is no different. Yet, I also do not want him to feel like he does not belong to our family or culture BECAUSE of the adoption. It is difficult, but I think we need to find a healthy balance.
I think my parents did a good job of explaining to me that they were my “real parents,” and so if anyone asked me this question I was prepared mentally. They were always there to talk with me about adoption when I wanted to talk about it but they did not dwell on it and I have always been proud of that part of my story. I hope that I can do the same with my son and find a balance.
I hope that I do not offend by my comments and I respect the opinions expresed here by others. I just wanted to offer a few thoughts from the perspective of another adoptee. What one adoptee finds offensive, another may not. Everyone is different in how they feel about any life issue or approach to a life experience. I think it is a little unfair to assume how McCain’s daughter would feel.
September 5, 2008 at 8:51 pm |
Yes, well said.
On CNN there was an interview with some moms about Palin. The question was raised as to whether the country would always come first. I wonder what that question means for her child with Down’s syndrome. True, we don’t have the same concerns about men and their children, but a child with Down’s really needs a mom.
Perhaps it was not fair to Palin for McCain to ask her to be Vice-President. That could have waited for a few years. She was probably chosen because of the image she added to the ticket, ie. young, conservative, woman. Who could refuse that?
It also isn’t fair that we have to wonder about McCain’s sensitivity to other people’s children.
But it says a lot about who he is.
September 6, 2008 at 6:32 am |
Christina,
I too felt a dislike for the way they talked about adopting their daughter but then, after I thought about it a bit more, I see Anne’s point.
It’s ME as a momma cub/adoptive mother who didn’t like their portrayal and I have no idea what so ever their relationship is with their daughter and how SHE sees it or feels about it. Maybe the McCains sat down and discussed with their entire family how this was gonna go. Maybe they felt they have to use the same language that the media usually uses portrays (which urks me too sometimes) about adoption because that is how the general public understands it. I have people stop me all the time telling me how wonderful I am to have adopted but anyone who knows me knows how much I adore my children and how I am the lucky one. I am sure the McCains know that they are the lucky ones to have Brigette. And if not, too bad for them.
I guess I’ve grown some thick skin over the years and it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I do think it was good to forward your feelings though as many adoptive parents are feeling the same way. Perhaps they will read it and make a change.
On another note, I like the way Sarah Palin introduced her son. She did not point out that he had Down Syndrome but just made the case for advocating special needs because it is clearly apparent that he has them. There are so many adoptive parents who think they wear a badge of honor for having special needs children and this is a “thing” for me. (Take a good look at the Holt board and see how many people label their children by special need in their signature lines) It’s one thing to discuss it with others, share your experience about your situation or even ask for advice from another do not define your child by their medical conditions. This is a whole other post! LOL You got me started! I think McCain could have gone this route too.
September 6, 2008 at 6:36 am |
Me again…
Did you happen to read some of the stories online suggesting that McCain had an affair, thus the black child in his family. Then it was finally made clear that they adopted her. YIKES! People just love to start stuff.
September 6, 2008 at 8:08 am |
Anne – thank you for sharing your perspective. You’re right, I don’t know what the McCain’s relationship is with their daughter or how they talk about adoption at home, and maybe it didn’t bother her at all. I guess after reading many TRA blogs I’m more sensitive to that kind of thing and I felt as a McCain/Palin supporter I should speak up.
miklwald – See my post from the other day:
http://mrsbroccoliguy.wordpress.com/2008/09/01/not
I agree a downs child – like every young baby – needs their mom. I believe that Sarah actually has Trig with her a LOT … see this post on parentingfreedom.com for many many pictures of Sarah with Trig and her other children:
http://parentingfreedom.com/2008/09/03/sarah-palin-mother-and-first-female-vice-president-pictures-children-parenting/
Plus, remember that Sarah’s husband is currently taking time from his jobs to be home with Trig.
So please, let’s stop selling the Palins short. Sarah is the right woman at the right time and I am so proud and excited that McCain had the wisdom and courage to choose her!!
September 6, 2008 at 8:12 am |
Michelle –
I agree, I have to be careful not to let *my* oversensitivities color the way my children see/hear things. It is a fine line to walk, isn’t it. And I loved the way Palin introduced her son and promised to be an advocate – without making a deal about her son’s SN.
And that affair thing, I heard about that – I also read that his daughter read about it years later and was very upset. I so wish the media would think about the innocent children they are trampling on in their efforts to smear public figures.
September 6, 2008 at 9:20 am |
I have been pretty disgusted by the way that the McCains and their supporters have discussed adoption (I have two adopted kids and four adopted nieces and nephews). Part of it is the “charity” aspect noted by Christina. But the thing that disturbs me most is that the McCains (and some of the supporters) use the adoption of their daughter (and the medical care they provided for her) as yet another occasion for celebrating how wonderfully virtuous they are.
While I deeply dislike most everything that Sarah Palin stands for, I agree that she has handled the introduction of her family with considerably more grace.
September 6, 2008 at 9:56 am |
This is a wonderful discussion. I am glad my comments were taken in the spirit in which they were intended.
Christina, I agree with you about Sarah Palin and am glad to hear of her family’s adjustments to make sure the children are well taken care of in the midst of mom’s “shake up” in her career. I am going to do a blog Sunday about her being a modern day Esther. That was the exact thought I had when I heard McCain first introduce her, during her own introduction that first day, and even again some since then.
I think the media is heartless and will never give consideration to the feelings of the innocent. That is why I am glad for discussions like this where people can set the record straight in discussions among the public. I hope that these types of discussions can counteract what the media is doing enough to make a real difference.
September 6, 2008 at 6:14 pm |
While I do agree that Cindy’s way of describing adoption was completely out of line, I don’t think she deserves all of the blame. Most likely the person who wrote her speech is not an AP, and doesn’t know correct adoption lingo.
September 7, 2008 at 8:57 am |
I”m totally lost here….are the McCain’s adoptive parents??
September 7, 2008 at 9:01 am |
Hey Nicole – Yes, Cindy and John adopted their youngest daughter (who is now a teenager) as a baby from Bangladesh.
September 7, 2008 at 6:32 pm |
The video was what bothered me the most. The video really made the adoption seem like an act of charity. Their daughter is beautiful and didn’t seem uncomfortable when the cameras panned to her in the audience, but I sincerely hope that life at home is a lot different than the way her adoption is described publicly.
September 8, 2008 at 1:04 pm |
Brilliant post as always. While this is an incredible time to show American what adoption is, it is more importantly, an important time to show their daughter how much they love her and wanted her to be in their family. The words they use will stay with her forever.
Great post, let’s hope they hear it!